The #1 Habit That Makes or Breaks Relationships (According to the Gottman Method)

What if I told you that the difference between couples who thrive and couples who barely survive comes down to one habit? According to renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, it’s not how often you fight—but howyou turn toward each other in everyday moments.

It’s called the “Turning Toward” habit, and it’s one of the most powerful predictors of long-term relationship success. In fact, in the Gottmans’ research, couples who stayed together turned toward their partner’s bids for connection 86% of the time—compared to just 33% in couples who eventually broke up.

So, what does “turning toward” mean?

It’s simple. Every day, our partners make tiny “bids” for our attention, affection, or support. They might say, “Look at that sunset,” or “I had a rough day,” or even just sigh a little louder than usual. These are all invitations for connection. When you turn toward those bids instead of away or against, you build emotional trust.

Here’s what turning toward looks like in real life:

• Bid: Your partner says, “I’m so tired today.”

Turning Toward: “I’m sorry love—want to talk about it or take it easy tonight?”

• Bid: They mention a random fun fact while you’re on your phone.

Turning Toward: You pause, look up, and respond with genuine interest.

It’s not about big, grand gestures. It’s the small, consistent moments that either build or break your connection.

Why This Matters for Couples Healing or Rebuilding Trust

If you’re working through past hurts, recovering from emotional distance, or trying to reconnect after a rough season—this habit is essential. It rebuilds the emotional bank account. When there’s more in that account, your relationship has the resilience to weather conflict, disappointment, or life stress.

Even if you’re in therapy or attending a retreat together, turning toward each other outside of those sessions is where the real healing happens.

How to Practice Turning Toward

1. Notice the bids. They’re often subtle. A glance, a question, a shared meme—it’s all a bid for connection.

2. Respond with intention. You don’t have to drop everything, but acknowledge it. Let your partner feel seen.

3. Create rituals of connection. A morning coffee chat, a walk after dinner, or a simple “how was your day?” can anchor your bond.

4. Repair quickly. If you miss a bid (because hey, we’re human), circle back. “Hey, I just realized you wanted to talk earlier—are you still up for it?”

Bottom line? Relationships aren’t built on the big moments alone—they’re built in the small, often unnoticed ones. The more often you turn toward your partner, the more love, trust, and connection you’ll feel.

If you’re ready to learn how to turn toward each other again—whether through couples counseling, a retreat, or just small daily shifts—I’m here to help.